My Muse was Singing. You are my muse.

Relationships

The older I become, the more clear it is, that all of human life is about relationship. A life well lived is one in which the circle of relationship grows. The perfect life expands to encompass the entire of humanity. A poor life is one which is isolated and where the primary relationship one has is with himself.

Our life is a series of relationships. Some are more equal than others, but each is a giving and a receiving of our very selves.

This begins at the moment of conception. Even before our consciousness is awakened, we are in a beautiful and symbiotic relationship with our mother. On her part, the mother provides all the physical needs of her tiny infant. On his part, the child gives the gift of complete dependency. Lest you think this too inequitable to be termed relationship, think of the unborn Christ Child. Yes, He would go on to give the gift of Life to the whole world, the balance of giving and receiving so shifted as to become the most inequitable in all of human history, but His first gift was His complete dependency on His mother. Love requires of us dependency. One can not be in loving relationship without being both needed and dependent. This does not denigrate relationship, it defines it.

As we grow, our initial relationships are with our parents, siblings, extended family, close friends and neighbors. It is in the family that we learn what love is. We learn there is a time for obedience and a time for moral courage. All relationship is a balance between action and inaction: When do we speak, when do we listen; when do we lead and when do we follow.

Sometimes the nature of the relationship determines our responsibility: A child obeys his parents while a parent leads his child. This does not mean a child does not teach his parent, any who have children know of this certainty. But the child does not lead, to expect him to is negligence. It is most often through his following that we, the parent, learn our greatest lessons: both of our imperfect leading and how we fall short in those relationships in which we are required to follow.

The most equitable relationship of man is the spousal relationship. This does not mean "best" or "purest" or "most desirable." It simply means that it is the most equal in both the giving and the receiving. It is the only relationship which requires a total giving of self by BOTH parties. In no other human relationship do we give completely of ourselves with the just expectation that we receive another self in return. It is a foolish parent who expects that kind of return from a child. It is a foolish maiden that expects that kind of return from a string of beaus. It is a foolish employee that expects that kind of return from an employer.

But it is a foolish bride who does not expect it from her groom.

And a justly disappointed groom who does not receive it from his bride.

There is no leader or follower in this relationship. It is a union so profound as to be more horizontal than vertical. To be sure, in practice, we take turns pulling each other up the cliff toward heaven, but a better image of the relationship is two bodies, hand in hand, walking up the incline at a slow and steady pace.

Each spouse is completely dependent on the other while living the opposite. We work as if his happiness is in our hands, knowing that our own is his for the giving. It is a moving circle like a tornado. And like the tornado, it is both small and large, always centered, created by cold and warm, touching heaven and earth and changing everything it touches, pulling all it passes into its embrace.

(And for the cynical who only see in my analogy the destruction left in its wake, ask yourself if you want the passion of a tornado or a gentle rain shower to describe the mark your marriage left on the world? There is a time for rain, but there is a time for tornados as well. Rain may pass unnoticed; tornadoes rarely do.)

It is for this reason that the relationship between Christ and His church is compared to that of man and wife. The Church needs Christ, this I do not have to explain. But Christ also needs the church in order to complete the plan of His Father. We can not do it alone, but God has required of Himself that He can not do it without us.

Take a minute to let that sink in. Take a minute to dwell in the presence of that kind of love. A tiny human is by nature dependent, it is in his nature to give the gift of dependency, just as it is in the nature of woman to nurish her child. Almighty God is by nature completely independent. He needs nothing. His Trinitarian Nature is Perfect and Eternal relationship. Yet, He condescends to need us in order to allow us to be in relationship with Him.

All of life is aimed at learning this one lesson. All of life is aimed at learning how to be in relationship. Whether it is with our mother, a friend, a dog or a tree, relationship requires we learn how to give and receive. Both aspects require that we learn to shed our selfishness. Yes, even learning how to receive requires self denial. For in each of our relationships, we are giving and receiving something. And for everything we receive, we must give something up. But more importantly, we must do something. In marriage, to be loved, we must love. In parenting, to learn we must teach. In friendship, to be heard we must listen.

So when you think of relationship, of love, do you focus on what you give or what you get?

Do you see all relationship as inherently selfish, for you can only see what you get?

Do you see it as inherently selfless for you can only see what you give?

Or do you see a tornado where the lines are so blurred all you can see is the moving circle that changes everything? Destruction of all the man made structures? Uprooted trees? Perhaps.

Or in its wake, can we see more clearly where earth and heaven meet?

Going Deep

I am reading a book called Last Child in the Woods. The author's premise is that recent generations' distance from nature is having detrimental effects on everything from attention to creativity. He terms the problem Nature Deficit Disorder. With our technological and smaller world, many have access to untold information about nature and have travelled across the globe, but, he argues, our grandparents who never left their small towns, while having no idea about the rain forest, knew their own woods and prairies intimately. Today's children may know much about Global ecology and endangered animals, but they do not know nature. Parent's fears and modern day distractions deprive children of just getting out in nature in unstructured ways. Whether it was a patch of park in New York City or a tree in the suburbs or a creek in a small town, past generations had opportunities to unite with nature in free, unstructured ways.

I feel his premise is just another aspect of the idea that has been forming in my head for awhile. Our children have too many distractions. There are things which are objectively better than others, and given the opportunity, children recognize these things. They know that visiting a nursing home is better than going to the swimming pool. Playing a game of capture the flag is better than Special Ops X box. Making up an imaginary world for one's action figures beats watching a movie. They will not choose the better portion, at least not most kids, but after the fact, if asked, they recognize it.

Being out doors is certainly the perfect setting for eliminating distractions. There is so much to contemplate out doors that is worthy of our time. However, I think there is also much to contemplate indoors. We simply do not allow our children the time to just go deep.

Whether it is sitting with a book that is not so simple that it requires no thought, in order to think about what the heck the author is trying to say... Or looking at a beautiful painting and imagining what the artist was thinking while he painted it... Or listening to beautiful music and being in awe of the genius of, say, a Mozart... Or climbing a tree and imaging one's self in a pagoda in China...Or looking for a secret door in the honey suckle...Or listening to the repetitive chirp of a bird and trying to figure out the code.

And to hear that chirp and realize that the bird sees the cat and is sending out the warning signal to his fellow birds is better than any High Score. Recognizing a song and knowing it is Mozart is better than any rerun of Phinias and Ferb. Knowing you are right that the artist was listening to a thunder storm as he painted or imaging that you found the secret door or that you are in China is the stuff that childhood should be made of.

Every generation looks at the current one and longs for the "good old days." I don't think there is such a thing. Every generation had problems and every generation had gifts. I have no desire to go back to an age of card catalogues and paying for long distance. I think my parents had to make the same choices I have to make: How to provide the opportunity for our children to experience the pure joy of childhood. They had different obstacles to overcome than we. But it comes down to deciding if that is what you want.

Like Last Child in the Woods, there are numerous books out there telling us what the problem is. I think the solution is simply to remove the distractions. Give your kids the opportunity to go deep in to something, anything, rather than skate along the surface.

*So far, Last Child in the Woods is a great book worth reading.

The Letters

For anyone who is interested. Following are my Christmas Letters.

Edward,

God gives us many gifts all through our lives. It seems the greatest ones are often the those we forget. Christ was the greatest gift to the world. I hope This Christmas, one gift I give to you, is the chance to remember that and feel the great peace and joy that settled over the whole earth the night when He was born.

One of the greatest gifts that God gave me was your father. And with him, God gave me you. I loved you before I saw your cute face or heard your contagious laugh. But with each passing day, I love new things about you.

I love your excitement about and love of learning.

I love that you laugh so easily.

I love that when I explain something to you, you listen and you understand.

I love that you are easy going.

I love that you are not materialistic.

I love that you care about my opinion.

I love the unique way your mind works.

I love the stories you write or hope to write.

I love, that while you are so smart and things come so easily to you, you are humble and kind.

But if all those things suddenly vanished, I would still and will always love YOU!

Merry Christmas,

MOM

Henry,

God gives us many gifts all through our lives. It seems the greatest ones are often the those we forget. Christ was the greatest gift to the world. I hope This Christmas, one gift I give to you, is the chance to remember that and feel the great peace and joy that settled over the whole earth the night when He was born.

One of the greatest gifts God gave me was your father. And with him, God gave me you. I loved you before you sprang into the world so quickly they had to grab a doctor heading to her car to deliver you. Before you could smile that heartwarming smile, I loved you. But with each passing day, I love new things about you.

I love your imagination.

I love that you feel responsible for the small creatures in the world.

I love that you like it when I cry over sweet things.

I love that you are always polite.

I love that you know how to make others feel good about themselves.

I love the songs you compose on the piano.

I love that you appreciate the beauty of words.

I love how you remember every story you have ever heard.

I love that you recognize true joy and acknowledge it when you see it.

But if all those things suddenly vanished, I would still and will always love YOU.

Merry Christmas,

MOM

Sarah,

God gives us many gifts all through our lives. It seems the greatest ones are often the those we forget. Christ was the greatest gift to the world. I hope This Christmas, one gift I give to you, is the chance to remember that and feel the great peace and joy that settled over the whole earth the night when He was born.

One of the greatest gifts God gave me was your father. And with Daddy, God gave me you. I loved you before I saw your sweet little face and before I knew you as my first little girl. But with each passing day, I love new things about you.

I love when you sing from way down in your soul.

I love when you write beautiful prayers.

I love that people call you my Mini Me.

I love your sense of style and that you are your own person.

I love that you care about every one of your stuffed animals.

I love the pictures you draw and the cards you make.

I love how you want your daddy to kiss you good night.

I love when you do gymnastics.

I love how loyal you are to those you love.

But if all those things suddenly vanished, I would still and will always love YOU!

Merry Christmas,

MOM

Simon,

God gives us many gifts all through our lives. It seems the greatest ones are often the those we forget. Christ was the greatest gift to the world. I hope This Christmas, one gift I give to you, is the chance to remember that and feel the great peace and joy that settled over the whole earth the night when He was born.

One of the greatest gifts God gave me was your father. And with Daddy, God gave me you. I loved you from the moment I saw your face on the computer. I loved you before I ever heard your voice or held your hand. But with each passing day, I love new things about you.

I love how you can figure out how to put things together.

I love that you are kind to your friends.

I love that you are polite to adults.

I love that you can do a job really well.

I love the boats and planes and toys you make with paper and string.

I love that you now trust me.

I love how quickly you learned to speak English.

I love how you like to wear a tie.

I love how you can see the good in things.

But if all these things suddenly vanished, I would still and will always love YOU!

Merry Christmas,

MOM

Lilly,

God gives us many gifts all through our lives. It seems the greatest ones are often the those we forget. Christ was the greatest gift to the world. I hope This Christmas, one gift I give to you, is the chance to remember that and feel the great peace and joy that settled over the whole earth the night when He was born.

One of the greatest gifts God gave me was your father. Together with daddy, God gave me you. I loved you before I saw your face in a little picture delivered by the UPS man, before I knew which little girl God had chosen for me. But with every passing day, I love new things about you.

I love how you march around with your broom cross.

I love how you love to clean.

I love how you love the mass.

I love how quickly you learn things.

I love how you love basketball.

I love how independent you are.

I love when you giggle.

I love that you love to read.

I love that you practice and practice until you have figured out how to do what you are trying.

But if all these things suddenly vanished, I would still and will always love YOU!

Merry Christmas,

MOM

Radical Christmas Results

Now, officially out of the Christmas Season, I am still in a sort of daze at the success of our radical Christmas. I knew that all my efforts to create a new kind of Christmas experience would one day be recognized by my children. But I was certainly not prepared for what happened. We did quite a few things we have never done before, like working a soup kitchen on Christmas Day, but the real Radical was what happened on Christmas eve and on Christmas morning before the sun came up.

Reason for the change: My kids were fighting over what they could put on their Christmas Wish Lists. No actual toys needed for greediness here. We can fight over the idea of junk.

Radical Change: They were informed on the First Sunday of Advent that I was writing to Santa and he would only be filling their stockings. I was asking him to take their toys to a needy child instead. From us they would be getting one thing and it would be special, but not a toy.

Implementation Part One: On Christmas eve they were given their gift from me. Each child received a letter with a list of ten things I love about them. Taped to the letter was a small brass key. The key opened a hand carved wooden box from Poland. Inside the box was a set of dog tags for the boys with their initials and a cross, for the girls, a Love God bracelet. They each also received five silver coins representing five Polish Saints.

Result: It looked as if it was going to get ugly when son number two, getting impatient to open something, began to say things like "It isn't even like Christmas. We might as well not even get anything." My intention was to wait until his cousins had gone to do the gifts, but I gave him his letter and told him to take the box in another room to open it. He returned to the room after having gone down stairs to do something. He gave me a hug and said, "I gave my cousin my phiten (his prize possession)." "Why?" I asked. "Because Mom," he began fingering the dog tags," I will be wearing these, like, for my whole life." A few weeks later, after being rather a pain, I received a letter from him on my computer with a list of things he loves about me.

Her aunt read my daughter her letter. As it was read, I saw her nod her head with a satisfied smile on her face. My oldest just gave me a hug, folded his letter and placed it in his box of treasures. He put his key on his dog tags and placed them around his neck.

Then one by one, with boxes under arm and without being asked, they silently slipped up to bed.

Implementation Part 2: Their stockings on Christmas morning contained mostly candy. I did include an old fashion tin of marbles in each and a figurine: Alexander the Great, Sherlock Holmes, and Blackbeard the Pirate to name three, nothing modern or exciting. I stayed in bed not really wanting to witness the morning. From my bed, to my great shock and surprise, I heard the normal Christmas sounds: "Awesome, look at this!" "His pipe comes out." "Look at this armor, is this the coolest thing you have ever seen." "Anyone want to play me in marbles?"

What I think they learned and what I know I did:

*When think we are owed nothing, everything begets gratitude.

*Though we think we want all sorts of things, what we really want, and in fact what we need, is to know we are loved.

And isn't that what Christmas is about. We were owed nothing, but God so loved the world He sent His Only Son. And shouldn't we all get to feel just once how:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Soul felt its worth.

I lied when I said they went silently to bed. What I did hear floats on the wind still...

"This was the best gift I have ever gotten."

Was it the Box? Its contents? The letter? Or did I somehow manage despite all my failings and insecurities to remove the distractions and manage to let the soul feel its worth?

Radical Christmas

I haven't written in a long time. I haven't had those compelling urges where I need to get an idea down in writing. I am not sure why. Maybe my creative energies have been being used else where, maybe I haven't had a thought in my head, maybe it is hormones. Who knows.

The greatest indicator of this is that I did not send out Christmas Cards this year. I know some people dread this tradition, but it is one of my favorites. I always take time to write little notes and to those I only communicate with once a year, a letter. I couldn't do it. Again, not sure why.

It is certainly not that I don't want to hear from anyone else. I love getting cards and seeing pictures and hearing what everyone has been doing. I just felt I wouldn't enjoy the process this year and that it might be reflected in what I sent out. So if you are one of those on my list, please forgive. I do think of you and cherish our friendships. I just couldn't get it in writing this year.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about Christmas Time and how to bring back its true joy and meaning to my children. I have tried in years past to institute traditions and limit materialism, but it has never really worked. They can not see the forest through the trees.

The excitement of Christmas Eve has long been a source of spirituality for me. I remember those years from childhood and that feeling that one never feels again in quite the same way. For me it has become the feeling I am trying to recreate for heaven. I know that I should anticipate heaven in the same way a child anticipates Christmas Morn, and while I have not yet gotten there, I will recognize the feeling when it comes again.

I fear my children do not even know the feeling. Part of the anticipation was the magic: The lights and the tree, the music floating softly on the air, the programs that came on once a year and left you feeling so warm inside. Sure there were gifts to be opened, but they were part of a bigger package that was Christmas. I always got up hours before everyone else. We could not open gifts until everyone was awake. I would sit in the dark in my dad's big brown leather chair where I could smell the tree and stare into its twinkling lights. It was an hour of such peace after the excitement of the night before. I remember this more than the chaos of opening presents that came when everyone else was up and moving. I fear the stuff is all my children are thinking about and they will remember nothing.

I have long noticed that these moments of quiet contemplation are missing in our lives. The children are so busy. Before we were in school, we had more time to sit quietly in our prayer space or in our rooms alone. Now we get it about once a week and only for about 20 minutes.

When we make time, it never ceases to amaze me how refreshed and at peace the children are. Because we do it less, it takes longer to calm down and to get quiet. But they emerge with a feeling of joy that they do not get from sports, play dates, toys or TV. When I remove all the distractions from their environment and let them contemplate the love of God, they are nourished.

My goal for this year was to remove the distractions and allow as much of The Christmas Season as possible to nourish them and speak to them about the love of God. I will post some of the things I have done in the days to come.

SERVICE

Service has been on my mind for awhile now.

I volunteered to head up the sixth grade service project for my son's class. It was important to me that the experience be a meaningful one. In preparing for this project, I came up with some things to think about if you are trying to instill in your own children a spirit of service.

1. All work can BE service. I think there is a danger in calculating service hours or even in doing service "projects". The spirit of service can often be lost.

I have spent the last month preparing for my son's service project and organizing a benefit party for a non-profit. While on my hands and knees scrubbing my floor for the benefit, I was working through my thoughts on the goals for the service project. I stopped mid-floor and realized that I had spent three weeks running errands, sending e-mails, making phone calls, I had just done 1/2 a floor, all in service of my child's class and the beneficiary of the benefit. I had not taken one minute to consider all the preparations for the Events as service themselves. I was certainly not on my hands and knees simply because it needed to be done.

I took a moment to reflect on why I was cleaning. I was making my house welcoming for the women who would come to help raise money for Children with Down Syndrome. I offered up the rest of the floor for the children and their mothers.

The nature of the work itself changed. The first half of my floor had been a task. The rest was work with a purpose. I enjoyed it more. I felt good about the work. I probably scrubbed a little harder with less effort.

2. Let the work speak for itself.

Some service opportunities allow the work to speak for itself very easily. Visiting someone in a nursing home gives a child immediate feedback. The smile on the person's face is the reward. Service that involves an interaction with the person we are serving gives great satisfaction.

However, most service opportunities are far removed from the beneficiary: Jumping rope for Hearts, Selling popcorn for the Soldiers, Collecting canned goods for the Poor, Buying Christmas gifts for a Family in Need. We never see the faces of the people we help.

It is important in these circumstances, to let the work speak for itself. The child needs to take time to reflect on why he is getting ready to campus the neighborhood. Then he needs to continue the work in that spirit.

Children have felt the nature of work change. Everyone enjoys cleaning their room a little more when a friend is coming over for the first time. Help them to feel how jumping rope is somehow different when we think of the purpose it serves.

3. Choosing the best work and setting the best goals

I think the best type of work to teach this lesson is work which requires attention to detail. Work which allows the child the opportunity to choose to do it well or not.

For the sixth grade project we are hosting a bake sale. Instead of having moms send in cookies, we decided to let the kids bake for themselves. We chose a cookie that can be decorated with as much or as little detail as the child wishes. This allows children to decide how much effort the purpose they are serving deserves.

As the adults in the mix, this was a hard call. We had to change our goal from making the most money to making the best experience for the kids. But, if we have fewer beautiful cookies, we have done our job. The money will come from somewhere.

Amount is probably not the best standard to use for goals. While the amount of money or cans or whatever collected can be a sign of the amount of effort, it is too relative. A child can visit 20 homes and come home with $5.00 or visit one and come home with $20.00. The work is dependent more on the charitable nature of those he visits than on his own work.

If the nature of the work lends itself to setting amount goals, change the goal. Set goals the children can have control over. How many homes will you visit, how much time will you spend asking, etc. This allows the child control over the work. He can feel a sense of accomplishment about the work itself rather than the outcome. Because no matter how many cans he has at the end of the day, his service to others has not been affected one iota.

4. Let them do it.

Many service opportunities require money. We have a school wide adopt a family program at Christmas. Each class is assigned a child with a name and and age and a wish list. While the children do wrap these gifts. I bought them all. Or I let my children buy the gift with my money. Not this year.

I am making a Chore Chart and Price List. My children do not have to participate. These chores are for Service Money ONLY. They can NOT do the work and spend the money on themselves. But, they can also choose not to do the work and not to participate in the Service Project.

If they want a gift to take to school, they need to buy it. They can earn as much or as little money as they wish. Then they can buy a gift from the wish list that they can afford, or none at all.

I have started my Chore Chart and Price List.

If you have any ideas to add, I would love it!

Murphy’s oil wash the Plantation Blinds: $5. for a big one $2.50 for a little one

Rake and bag leaves: $3. per bag

Murphy’s oil base boards: $1.00 per four feet

Windows: $1.00 per window

Fold and stack Laundry: $2.00 per large load

Our goal as Christians is to work towards each and every minute of our lives being done in the service of others. Teaching our children how to make any work service is the first step.

Rather than using Service Opportunities to DO good work.

We can use them to learn how if we just take a moment to reflect, how all work done can be done in service to others, and work done well is the better gift.

And if you are a bit slow like me, in teaching our children, we can remember the lessons ourselves.